in loving memory
Sad
Early this morning, I came to work as usual, feeling indifferent. Not too lazy or reluctant and at the same time not too enthusiastic. Just normal. I thought it would be another normal routine day for me.
Maybe I was wrong. As I walk by ER this morning, I saw a relative to one of my patient waiting outside ER. I do expected him to come today for review. I approached him and asked " so, how is he?", he replied with worry look on his face " not good"
My heart pounded fast.
A little bit of introduction of who is Mr K. He is a 60year old Chinese gentleman, who was a schizophrenic patient, admitted to my ward for almost 3weeks for a medical problem in which we are still investigating. He was so cute, he didn't have aggressive behaviour like most schizophrenic patient have. He is stable. His condition was actually improving after 1 week and we made a lot of appointments for him, scans and etc to investigate his illness. However, the reason why we have to prolong his stay in the ward was because he pulled out his CBD ( the tube to help you pee) and we have to insert an SPC for him ( we made a hole at his abdomen near his urinary bladder to drain urine from there). That was so naughty of him.
So he was with us for quite a while. And I didn't mind at all. Maybe I was intentionally kept him with me under my subconscious mind. Maybe.
His existance in the ward cheer me up. Everytime I review him, he would always complained that there was this ghost figure poked him everywhere caused him not able to sleep well over the night. It happened to be my nurses with their white uniform poking him to set the IV line. It was funny. He charmed me with his cute smile. He was one of my best patient. Best in term of cooperation and compliant.
Later I found out that Mr K was the eldest brother. He stays alone somewhere in Kapit and he was unable to stay with his brother and his family as his manager won't allow that, because he was schizophrenic. So his brother comes everyday during lunch and dinner to feed him. From the look at it, they come from a not wealthy family. His brother comes with the same Tshirt. But Mr K never disturb anyone. He was a good boy.
So what happened this morning, he came. The moment I saw him, I know he was not doing well. Gasping and not responsive. He later then collapsed and we resuscitated him. But we couldn't save him. It broke my heart. I was so devastated. What made me felt so bad was that I just saw him walking smiled at me yesterday when I off his SPC and reviewed his wound. He waved and smiled me goodbye. Who would have thought that he was saying goodbye forever? If I know that it was his last day, what will I do?
I broke the news to his brother. He was shocked. But he accepted it. Maybe it was better for Mr K to go too. In a way, it would be less burden to the family members.
Death is something definite. I realize that. But to see the death of someone especially someone I care enough is really...suck. I feel hopeless. But they never taught me this during medical school. We was taught how to cure illness, what antibiotics to give, how to diagnose, but no one told us how to deal with dying patient. Maybe I was not paying attention well in school? skipping class? But fair enough, we are here to help, to ellivate misery and pain, to do no harm but not to act God or challenge Him.
If he is better with You, Dear God, please take care of him well, because he is a good person.
Amin.
In loving memory,
Mr Kong Sian Teng
Early this morning, I came to work as usual, feeling indifferent. Not too lazy or reluctant and at the same time not too enthusiastic. Just normal. I thought it would be another normal routine day for me.
Maybe I was wrong. As I walk by ER this morning, I saw a relative to one of my patient waiting outside ER. I do expected him to come today for review. I approached him and asked " so, how is he?", he replied with worry look on his face " not good"
My heart pounded fast.
A little bit of introduction of who is Mr K. He is a 60year old Chinese gentleman, who was a schizophrenic patient, admitted to my ward for almost 3weeks for a medical problem in which we are still investigating. He was so cute, he didn't have aggressive behaviour like most schizophrenic patient have. He is stable. His condition was actually improving after 1 week and we made a lot of appointments for him, scans and etc to investigate his illness. However, the reason why we have to prolong his stay in the ward was because he pulled out his CBD ( the tube to help you pee) and we have to insert an SPC for him ( we made a hole at his abdomen near his urinary bladder to drain urine from there). That was so naughty of him.
So he was with us for quite a while. And I didn't mind at all. Maybe I was intentionally kept him with me under my subconscious mind. Maybe.
His existance in the ward cheer me up. Everytime I review him, he would always complained that there was this ghost figure poked him everywhere caused him not able to sleep well over the night. It happened to be my nurses with their white uniform poking him to set the IV line. It was funny. He charmed me with his cute smile. He was one of my best patient. Best in term of cooperation and compliant.
Later I found out that Mr K was the eldest brother. He stays alone somewhere in Kapit and he was unable to stay with his brother and his family as his manager won't allow that, because he was schizophrenic. So his brother comes everyday during lunch and dinner to feed him. From the look at it, they come from a not wealthy family. His brother comes with the same Tshirt. But Mr K never disturb anyone. He was a good boy.
So what happened this morning, he came. The moment I saw him, I know he was not doing well. Gasping and not responsive. He later then collapsed and we resuscitated him. But we couldn't save him. It broke my heart. I was so devastated. What made me felt so bad was that I just saw him walking smiled at me yesterday when I off his SPC and reviewed his wound. He waved and smiled me goodbye. Who would have thought that he was saying goodbye forever? If I know that it was his last day, what will I do?
I broke the news to his brother. He was shocked. But he accepted it. Maybe it was better for Mr K to go too. In a way, it would be less burden to the family members.
Death is something definite. I realize that. But to see the death of someone especially someone I care enough is really...suck. I feel hopeless. But they never taught me this during medical school. We was taught how to cure illness, what antibiotics to give, how to diagnose, but no one told us how to deal with dying patient. Maybe I was not paying attention well in school? skipping class? But fair enough, we are here to help, to ellivate misery and pain, to do no harm but not to act God or challenge Him.
If he is better with You, Dear God, please take care of him well, because he is a good person.
Amin.
In loving memory,
Mr Kong Sian Teng
Comments
I also wanted to say THANK YOU so very much for following my photo project! I had no idea you were following along last time until your comment on the last post. I hope you enjoy what is to come :o)
Ang