The one with the Ramblings

Ramblings start.... Remember I told you how HappY I was to come back to Kuching. Finally to be able to concentrate to things I love the most. Happy? - Yes, Happier. Good field, good colleagues, dependable bosses. But I too feel regrets? When I first started, I felt like in a different world, even though I used to be in the department before; I worked here once upon a time. But why I felt so BLUR. I feel like everything is new to me. I feel like I am starting over. I envy some of the junior colleagues that are more skillful than me.  Regrets? For went to Kapit? for not staying as a surgical MO before? What if I stay? Will I be better? Will it be any difference? Sometimes I become motivated but there are times I become DeMotivated. When I feel like I screwed up. When I couldn't answer their questions right. When I know the path to become surgeon is not easy. I feel like want to give up at one point thinking that I may not be strong enough to continue with this journey a

I have a habit of naming my possessions. Like how I name my car, my guitar, my camera. It makes us feel like a family. It tighter the bond.  Here are some of the stuffs that I named. 1) Black Zephyr Its my BLACK proton Iswara car. My first car I had as a present from Babah. 2) Viviana @Vivi My computer BLACK Sony Viao. Always want to have Sony Viao since I was a student. When my Acer was stolen last 3 years, it gave me an excuse to buy a new computer. Since then, Vivi came to the family. 3) Baby It was my BLACK Lumix Compact DSLR I first bought with KP to ease our craze for photography. I have lots of memories with Baby. We share the ups and downs. Now, I have my brother to take care of Baby since I found Richard. Not that I hate Baby, never will. It just that for someone to progress, certain things need to be sacrificed. 4) Luffy, Raul, Shanks. All are the names of my teddies. I have Luffy with me all the times but the rest are "resting" well at my hometown. L

13th December Every year at this day, will be the day that i will expect presents, eating something nice, delicious cakes, wishes, etc. Celebrating my special day with people that I treasure the most; my family. But..as I grow mature, birthday is no longer become a day of celebration. I have a new perception about birthdays. Birthday become a day of reminisce about the things I have done and achieved for the past years. To think about the times I have wasted, things that I have missed, things I should have done, moments I truly love,  moments I should have forgotten. The number of candles you blow every year now has become a time bomb of how closer are you to death. It tells you how little times you have left with so many things to do. It does cause me a state of panic. Like, I haven't travel around the world yet! Or I haven't send my parents to Haj yet. Or I haven't bought my brother a car yet. Lots of things I want to do in this world and I don't even close to a

Yesterday was my first oncall as surgical MO SGH. It was so HAPPENING!!! my call started with patient collapsed in scope room. Resuscitation done in that small OT room. Then right hemothorax Then Rupture AAA Then IOs Then multiple referral for breast Ca, Acute appendicitis, UGIHs, Hemorrhoids, limb ischaemia, Ended with sign a death cert for DNAR patient. Sleepless But fun and frustrating Fun and excited to see all the cases came in. Has lot of things to learn. But at times, felt regrets for not knowing to manage better. Bottom line is, lots of things to learn. Nice. Can do this once a while. But not that frequent. I am out of stamina. Huhu.