Decision

It was not that hard when I made the decision for med school.
It was not difficult when to give options for HOship placement.
Even to decide to go to Kapit. It was easy.

So, why it is so difficult now?


So far, the plan is going out pretty well and smooth. Med school then HOship in East Malaysia then district then Master program then specialist then back to Seremban. That was the initial plan. Even the plan to go out from Kapit has been made even before I came here. The plan was, stay in district at least for a year then move on. Move out. That was the plan.

But suddenly I have this hesitancy. I have this doubt. I wonder why.

Where should I go now?

What is the plan now?

So dear people, hear me out, and please help me.

All this while I thought I have a pretty well-planned life. Everything is on track. How I planned it to be. May be some of them is not as expected but I am still on the right track. And I'm talking about career-wise of course. Career-wise! So for me to go back to Kuching is the best choice ideally if I plan to continue my study in surgery. In what way? I have heard promises about getting a Master, about being able to do more cutting, about getting to see more variety of cases. But in the end of the day, due to this weird chemistry with colorectal (I always have this palpitation, excited feeling and happy whenever I assist in laparatomy cases. Those colons are hmm how should I put it, err something. beauty?) So I will end up in Seremban no matter what. But it just not now.

See. I am determined. That is my plan. I planned it since I was younger.

But suddenly I have doubts. With multiple recent events that happened suddenly make me realize few things that I have overlooked.
But most important of all: - How I had spend less time with my family through out these few years.
and the commitment and the passion for surgery specifically and as medical practitioner as general is lacking over the years. As if dissolving?


Then

I stop

then I think


I imagine myself in both situation.
What if I back to Kuching. I will be working as a surgical MO of course, that something I will make sure of. Worst or nightmare if then push me to pead surgical. Car, house, shopping, meal, not a problem. I am already familiarize with those. But the idea of me going to the life where I will be busy working with my family back home somehow bothering me. Ibu always complaining that she has this backache and this symptoms and that symptoms and she's still working hard. Babah may seem healthy as he never tells me anything but I need to be sure of that. and Mama, even though she is getting better but let face it that she is not getting any younger. And my brothers. I can't stop thinking of something bad happening to them and I am not around for them. I will be happy in the things that I do, in my work but generally I will be missing my love ones a lot.

Then I imagine myself back home.
I wish they can send me to Melaka at least, not far from home only 1 hour away and I love Melaka. I can go back home every week if I am not oncall. About work, still a bit hazy. I have no idea how is it like to work in the West. Will I be a junior MO again? and then what? Can I do a bit of a cutting? Or are they heartless enough to send me back to district? How long should I wait for me to get my Master program? And if I do, the same question again, can I do some cutting? Do I have the chance to do surgery? I will be happy with my love ones around but will I be happy in my work?

The idea is that I need to spend my time more with them. That is all I want. Hence the trips. Hence the frequent home leaves. I don't want to regret in the future that I have been selfish to get what I want and regret later for missing all the times I should have spend with my love ones.

If you are wondering why suddenly? Since the Japan incident, then the sudden lost of Azri, then when my patients whom I know since I started working here left us one by one, I realize that life is too short to be selfish. Hence I should live it with no regrets.

So. What should I do now?