pensieve

how to start this.

why? you feel that you are in the right track. you feel that this is the things that you wanted to do since you were younger. this is the life that you've been dreaming since before. but why there are times you keep asking yourself, are you done? are you satisfied with whatever you are doing? that's it? so you are now in the life you've been dreaming since ever, what is your next step? then you feel like you are missing something in your life. but you don't know what. you feel that you have seen almost everything but in fact you see none. you think that you know how the world moves and how things work but you are still unsure. then questioning yourself. are you doing this for yourself? or for someone else? does it really beneficial to do this for someone else? does that someone appreciate whatever you do? do you think its worth it?

are you happy? or you are pretending to be happy to make others happy. but the truth, you are suffering. you care about others but do the others care about you? how many minutes or hours you've spent to think about others? do you think that others will think about you even for a minute? but aren't there times that you were selfish as well? you pretended to care about others but on the other hand, the person you care the most is yourself? there were times you feel like you like to be dependent on others. you want to have the feeling of to protect and to care. but at the same time you want a space for yourself. your ego sometimes appear and suddenly you want to be tough. you want to be alone. again. you don't know when is the time you want to be together and when is the time for you to be with yourself. then you reject commitment, and fear of responsibility. there is the time where you hope that you can run as far as you can, as fast as you can, to forget everything and to dissociate yourself. hoping that you can find the answers for your questions. you try so hard. or plan to work hard. in the end, you can't. why? because you are not brave enough. and of course you are not insane enough. you still have your logic. and here, you feel being afraid or scared to do something is good. too afraid to start something or to do something is otherwise. you are afraid of colors, and afraid of people. after fighting with these uncertain feelings again and again, your body will become very tired. so does your mind. hence you will be depressed. and give up. no more questions to be asked. and you accept whatever path you've taken and the obstacles ahead. you are just hoping that whatever it is, you just moving forward. no time to look back. because you will get into that circle again and it is tiring.

it is tiring now.

-end-