Chill

I don't blame you 100%, even though you are one of the factor. Most of it is because of ME.
I remember how enthusiastic I was when I first started being a medical officer. New place, new life, new people. The road that I have chosen maybe bumpy sometime but what is life without an adventure. So motivated. So thrill.

Then I do remember that I told my friend once to ask me again in next 2months. If she asks me now, I mean, like really at this moment, the answer will be a straight NO.

Seriously, my works right now demotivate me every single day. Day by day, I realized that I becoming more grumpy, denial and hopeless. How I wish that all the disease can come or presented exactly like in the books. Like how we have been taught. And how I wish taking history will be as simple as medical school as the patient will leads us the way to the diagnosis. Why real patients are so not like my stimulated patients in medical school?

Taking history is really a pain in the arse. Especially from a super blur patient that gives inconsistent history.
" I have pain EVERY where"
" I have fever. But 1month ago. Now no more"
" Owh, I have been having this for quite some time. 1 year" - and only to come today since my neighbor also going to hospital. Lets invite the whole longhouse people to go to clinic today!
" Chest pain?- a bit, abdominal pain?- a bit. nail pain?- a bit Ass pain? - A BIT"

If you happened to encounter these kind of patients every single day in your single lonely life, will you commit suicide? Sigh.

Since you have this kind of history then you will automatically think all these are either totally irrelevant or something very significant but presented atypically. Irrelevant? Good, patient still can walk home safely. But what if you miss out the significant detail? Ends up, you will soon reunite with your patients in few days or hours time with no heart beat and no breathing. Then there goes your soul down the drain.

To think that how many mistakes I have committed so far, whether I realize it or not, whether it slipped away unnoticed, I wish I could turn back time and to think about this over and over again.

I remember a specialist of mine once told me
" How many mistakes do you plan to do for you to learn. Mistakes mean morbidity and mortility in our world"
It was after I told him that. "I'm sorry, I will learn from my mistakes"
The idea is, try not to make mistake.


Or how I wish I could be optimistic and positive all the time.


"Chillls....." Marisa would say that. I wish I could. Literally yeah since the air conditioner in this room is fookingly cold.

Damn. I am cool. Am I? I should be. I always reflected myself as a cool person. Chill. Then I should be.

To be more realistic, more about real world and less about Freddy Krueger's world.

Holiday mood. I do need a break.