Dear Mama

After almost 1 year, i think i am ready

Ready to write about her.

The Most Amazing Woman I ever had.

Jaharah Abdullah

Mama

During Mama's 90th Birthday

Maybe i was wrong. I thought i will be ready but i cried instantly when i chose these pictures. I miss her sooo much. Her touch, her laugh, her hug, her smile. Now, i will tell you all about Mama and why she is so missed.

1. Jarah Tukang Sanggul- the most famous person in Rembau

Bila orang tanya aku " Kau orang mano?", i would say " orang Rembau".

Orang tu akan tanya lagi " Laa, anak sapo?"

So here, i would have few answers. Some may know me as "anak Cikgu Zedz". Who wouldn't know the most fierce and legendary Disciplinary teacher of URESS, who had dope afro hair and rode on white Toyota Cellica. My father was once the original "Tall-Dark-and-Handsome". The original. KJ stole that title from him.

If he/she still doesn't know my father, probably some may know my mom. Saya "anak cik Noni Mak Andam". My mom was as famous as my father. Her cute, chinese looks made her the IT girl of Rembau. She once owned a salon and guest who was her regular customer? Yup. Cikgu Zedz with his afro hair. My mom and dad probably like David Beckham and Victoria Posh of Rembau. No i just made that up. But they are a beautiful couple.

Still don't know who they are? Then you probably should know "Jarah tukang sanggul". Especially to the elders of Rembau. My uncle once said "Satu Ghombau konal Mama. Cino kat pokan semuo kona"

To describe how famous she was.

Whenever i went to the groceries shop at Rembau, the uncle would ask "Ni cucu makcik Jarah kan? apa khabar makcik? lama tak jumpa. Kirim salam a"

Even when i was at IMU Seremban Hospital, whenever i clerked a patient from Rembau. " oooo, cucu Jarah Sanggul. Uwan kau yang makai an acik dulu. Lawa uwan kau". "Makai" as in my grandma used to be their Mak Andam.

So, don't mess up with Jarah Tungkal Sanggul because she knows a lot of people too.

Me when i want to put some purple lipstick on her and she refused strongly.

She even said " tak elok dahhh, dah nak mati dahhh!!"

She was soo stubborn, and so did I

Stubborn = Degil = Bega

2. Bega

I should write on her sweet and loving personality first but i think everyone should know how stubborn she was.

She used to live in a hard life. During Japanese Occupation. And lived with my uptight grandfather. Her husband used to be a police man. He was really strict. We all were very afraid of him. I remember i got scold because i changed the TV channel when he wanted to watch Hindi movie. Who did i turned to? Mama comforted me.

Bega probably a little harsh to say but the correct description is perfectionist. She had a certain things that she wanted to be in her own way. For example, the way we put the kuih raya dalam balang should be very symmetrically align. Last time, we used the recycle Nescafe bottle to put in all our kuih. Pineapple tarts, kuih semperit etc. If you lived through my younger life then you probably should know how the bottle was. Tall and slim. Siapa punya kerja? Of course me who has the smallest hand at that time (masa kecik kan). So i planned to put them my way because it was easier and faster. NO. She wanted it her way. Must be very nicely align to each other. Kalau salah kena buat balik. Huhuhu

There is another occasion, she probably at her 70-80s, she asked me to move the van into the garage. and i said later. (teenage-angst years la ni). I continued watching TV. Suddenly i heard the sound of the engine and i ran outside and saw Mama was on the driver seat and was about to drove the old van (manual ok). I was shocked and furious then i yelled " MAMA!!! TURUN SEKARANG!!'. She smiled and said " takpe, kejap je ni. kejap". I opened the door and demanded her to get out from the van that instant and she was again stubborn and said. "takpe. kejap je." and ..drove the van into the garage.

Even when she was on her wheelchair. At the later times of her life she was wheelchair bound. Whenever i was home, i would be the one that take her to her shower. I carried her to the toilet bowl and she took her shower herself. But before that, she would choose her own gown. Yes, i always had problems with her on this one. Most of the times, i just arguing with her because i found it cute. There were times i thought she was a bit unreasonable. So she would take her time, flip through every gowns she had in her cupboard to decide which to wear. Later in her life, she usually chose the same few gowns; including the last one she wore during her demise. That was her favorite gown (I have half of it, Kak Nani has half. Good team work kak nani. hehe). After she chose the gown, she would chose her scarf. This i sometimes found it cute. Because she wanted to match everything. From the scarf to her bra and underwear. So if the scarf is not padan with her gown, i had to selongkar her drawer to find the perfect match.

" Ala Mama, pakai ni je la. Ok apa peach dengan hijau ni"

Mama akan cepat2 geleng kepala. " Taknak, ni lainn..ni haa. tak lawa.."

" takde yang lain, ni je ada"

Mama akan tunjuk kat drawer " tu.. dalam tuu.. mana?..ada tu.."

Her stubbornness probably because of how she lived before. She knew how hard to live and persistence was the answer to success. There was time when the news said there would be lack of beras. I couldn't remember about what. Tapi ceritanya, beras akan kurang supply. Something like that. I even wrote the story in my blog last time. So when she heard about this flashing news, Mama panic. Terus ajak aku pergi kedai. Satu Rembau, every shop Mama pergi beli beras at least 2 kampit.

Masa ni pun aku gaduh ngan Mama. "takyah la beli banyak2. Kenapa? Setahun tak habis makan ni"

Mama pun membebel. "Kau tak idup zaman Jopon dulu. Kot takdo boreh, anak cucu Mama nak makan apo?'

Aku yang sama degil ngan Mama terus jawab "Kita makan la ubi macam zaman Jopon balik"

Mama dulu pakai high heel ok. Nasib baik aku tak kena tikam ngan high heel dia.

Nak jugak2. Walaupun tauke kedai cakap takleh beli banyak2. Dia nak jugak2.

Mungkin perangai tu diperturunkan ke Bg Lan, my cousin. Nak jugak2.

Semua nak jugak2

Dogil

Bega.

Aku pun sama.

Uwan and Cucu samo yo Bega eh.

3. Beauty Queen

My Beauty Queen. #kalautakliplapmemangtaksah

When she was healthier and stronger, she was very particular in her style. She had the most beautiful scarf, the one with batu2 manik penuh atas kepala. Her gown also has style. Her handbags. I will show you one day her handbags collection. May not surpassed Rosmah's collection but she has the cutest collection. She didn't have the most branded handbag but all her bags are very unique and cute. Her shoes pun sama. She used to wear heels (takde stilleto la), but her chose collections pun so awesome. We the cucu tau dah taste Mama macam mana. And she still wore them even though she was 70s years old. Dulu kitorang panggil Mama vogue. Kelas datin2. hehe.

When she got sick, she was not as beauty conscious as she was before. But we the Cucus and Cicits like to dress her up. That explains those cute socks and cute scarfs. We still love to doll her up.

Selongkar balik gambar2 Mama masa muda. Memang cun. Kalah Saloma.

For example, look at this picture, tengok la tudung Mama, the specs, the brooch. Kelas kan? ni baru sikit. Kalau comparekan dengan cucu dia ni. Segan ok. Hehe

4. Perfectionist

Kalau letak bed sheet mesti kena tegang.

Bunga kat pasu takleh senget.

Susun kena kemas. Takleh senget2.

There was time she didn't like to see the flower arrangement in our vase. Probably sore to her eye. Ibu said, tak payah la, nanti ibu buatkan. Ibu dah buat, she still quietly betulkan balik ikut cara dia. It was so cute.

Mama seorang yang pembersih and everything kena kemas. I am glad i inherit this from her too. (selain degil) Even when she was on wheel chair, masa mandi she would rearrange the botol shampoo, semua kena facing forward. Patutla lama mandi.

When she couldn't do much of work, i knew she wanted to help but we didn't allow her too. So i gave all the plastic bags for her to fold. Or flowers to rearrange. Something small but i knew she would enjoy them. Kalau buat kuih, aku suruh dia susun biskut dlm botol. Its payback time. Hehe. Dulu aku yang kena susun kan.

She would be very angry if things not in order.

Alas meja terselak, dia marah and suruh betulkan balik. Kalau barang bersepah tak kemas dia marah.

Semua kena tersusun and bersih di rumah Bonda Jarah. That is why I love our old house. It was very much homey. Lots of flowers and old junks Mama tak kasi buang.

Yup, another trait of hers.

5. Jangan buang-buang

Mama the collector. She loves to keep the old stuffs, albeit the cloth, the bags, even the food leftovers. Yup.

Let say we have sambal udang for dinner today and had leftover, we will put them in the fridge.

A day before we probably had sambal ayam leftover in the fridge.

Or daysss before that we had sambal sotong with questionable status (tak tau elok lagi ke tak)

Mama..My Mama.. will combine all the sambal leftovers in the fridge, add some telur and make a new sambal dish tomorrow. and it was delish!!

Sayang.. jangan membazir..

That is why when my mom and I clean the refrigerators, we'll make sure Mama was not around (like when she was sleeping). Because, she would kept everything in the fridge. Even yang dah bercendawan, she would remove the fungus part and said 'haa, ni elok ni." Facepalm.

Even the clothes, kena simpan. Majalah2. Simpan.

Bekas lama. Simpan.

That is why it was not a surprise to us when we cleaned her room after her demise, we found a plastic full of her hair in different size of ball shapes. Not creepy much.

Jangan sepak cucu kesayangan aku tu!!!

6. Love Angels

Her love.

She loved all her children and grandchildren equally. Although some may feel she played favorite. I don't mind because I was one of her favorite. Probably because we had been leaving together for soo long. We bicker sometimes, but we loved each other so much.

When i was younger, I slept with her everyday. Before i had my own room. Even i have my own room, I would sleep with her at the living room in front of TV.

I remember I had a very bad dream, i woke up in the middle of the night. I had Mama next to me, and i woke her up. I said "Mama, peluk Wani. Wani takut". And she did. I felt safe.

Kalau balik kampung, semua berebut nak tido sebelah Mama. Sebab nak kena peluk dengan Mama.

(Damn, I miss her soo much..sob sob)

When i got number 1, Atok promised me to give RM100. Atok gave me his tabung which short about RM 20+. As I told you Atok was very garang. I takut. So i told Mama. She forked out another RM20 from her purse.

I think all the grandchildren would agree. Kalau nak belajar puasa kena balik kampung. Mama sure akan suruh bukak puasa. "takpe, puasa setengah hari. Besok puasa lagi setengah hari".

Terus kantoi tak puasa makan Hiro. Kawan2 gelak sebab ada chocolate stain kat gigi.

Kalau kena marah dengan ibu or orang lain, cepat2 peluk Mama. Mama will protect you.

Mama sanggup naik kapal terbang nak tengok cucu Tanggang dia ni. Mama sanggup belikan piano. Mama sanggup belikan fridge. Mama sanggup belikan Teddy bear.

and when my cousin had trouble with the law, Mama sanggup went out in the middle of the night to settle things down. In retrospect, if anything happened to her at that night, Babah and I probably gonna feel guilty for the rest of our life. We knew she went out with strangers but we couldn't stop her. She did that because of her loved to her grandson.

So my dear cousins, if you think Mama played favorite, think back of all the sacrifices she had done for you. Isn't that love?

I heard from my auntie. Mama once helped an Indian family who lived in the street, brought them home, gave them clothes, fed them. Because that is Mama. She just so kind.

Peace loving Mama.

The illness and her succumb

She had stroke in 2011. I was in Kuching at that time and I flew immediately to see her. It was a shocked to me because she didn't have any hypertension or DM before. When I saw her at Salam Hospital, I thought it was not that bad. She had dysphasia and right limb weakness. not total plegia. I thought it was not bad for her. She slowly regained her muscle strength. She eventually could walk with minimal support. But little that i know how depressed she was when she couldn't talk. She had expressive dysphasia. We wanted to say the word but turned out to be another word. For example if she wanted to say "makan", she would say "malam". Initially it was really bad, we couldn't understand her at all. Talking to her like playing charade. At one point, she would give up and stay silent. Merajuk. I felt so bad. When she had improved in her vocabulary, we the Cucus like to tease her. She sometimes felt annoyed. And we thought it was fun. keh keh.
Ami sometimes like to tease her too.
Mama: "bangg..amikkan tu..tilam (actually she wanted the TV remote)"
Ami; "ni?"( sambil angkat tilam)
Mama: " takk. tu..tilam"
Ami: "ni la tilam"
Mama: "bukan tu..apa nama tu..malam"
Ami:" hari dah malam dah ni"
Mama: " bukan..eh bodoh la..tak tau nak cakap"
Ami: "ni?" (sambil bagi dia remote)
Mama: "haaa.pandaiii...no 1"

Sometimes, she acted out so that we could understand her. I miss interacting with her like that.

She was on cardiprin for like 3-4years. Until one day i found she had a bump on her toe. Quite a big hematoma. I did dressing until it dried out. That was her source of pain for sometimes. There was time it was infected, she had to go to clinic for dressing. She even had an admission for AF. She was then restarted on cardiprin.

Over the years, she was getting weaker. Most prominently in 2017. She couldn't even get herself to shower. She couldn't eat. She could only drink. I remember I have to bring bottles of NS and D5% from my workplace to give to her. I set the IV line. I took care of her all night. I even threaten her to put on NG tube if she didn't eat. She only could drink Milo and Neutren Diabetic milk.

28th July 2017 (Friday) 11:15am

Mama selalu duduk tepi tingkap. Tunggu Wani balik ke tu?

It was beautifully planned by Allah. I was at Rembau that weekend. Ibu and Babah was preparing to go to Hajj and we planned for Kenduri Kesyukuran that weekend. When i arrived home a day before, Thursday, Mama was not at home.

"Ibu hantar Mama rumah Mami(my auntie), suruh Mami jaga kejap sambil kita urus rumah untuk kenduri"

Takpe la, besok kita ambik Mama balik rumah.

The next day, Ibu and Babah was shopping in Tampin. Me, ajat, Makde and Dik Nor were in Melaka to register Dik Nor new study place. Alhamdullilah, once everything settle, i brought them for breakfast. Coffeeholic.

The plan was after breakfast nak shopping kat Mydin beli barang kenduri.

Tengah seronok makan, Makde dapat call from Mami. The way Makde jawap tu nampak very serious. Not long after that, Ibu called me.

" Wani, balik wani...Mami kau cakap Mama dah senyap dah tu.." sambil menangis.

My feeling at that time was blank. Even though I could understand what she said, "senyap macam mana? Ibu kat mana?'

I haven't cried yet. I haven't.

Because I was prepared for this. Mama was very ill for the past few weeks. Being in medical profession where you see patients died almost everyday, you kinda know a bit on how soon he/she gonna go.

So i have prepared myself for this day.

Actually, I had been praying that she could go before ibu and babah went for Haj. So that Ibu could be with her when she gone and bath her for the last time. Alhamdulillah. She died on Friday, just 1 week before Ibu and Babah left for Haj. Imagine how Ibu would feel if Mama died when she was in Mekah?

I called Mami.

" Mama tak gerak dah ni Wani. Tadi Mami elok dah mandikan dia. Ni Mami kejutkan dia tak bangun dah ni Wani. Dah habis dah kot ni Wani. Mami nak buat apa ni?" I heard my auntie cried at the end of the phone, non stop.

" Mami relax, first kena call ambulance/ doktor kat clinic Rembau utk pronouce death. Pastu kena buat report Polis sebab mati kat rumah mi.". mase tu Ajat drive memang boleh menang kalau bertanding kat F1. I told him, takpe relax. It won't bring her back if we arrived there faster.

I cried a bit on the way to Rembau. Once I arrived at Mami's house, i couldn't hold myself. I terduduk tepi Mama cried like a 4 year old. She was so beautiful. I hold her cold hand. I even resented myself for not able to see her first in the morning.

But, I don't feel regret. I hope I took care of her well for the past few weeks. I even went back to Rembau every week to see her.

I bath her for the last time. I remember there were 3 of us who helped to prepare Mama's kain kapan. Nelly, the cicit who also tukang jahit (aka designer), Kak Nani the lawyer, and Me the surgeon. I am glad i did it. I sew Mama's last clothe. I kissed Mama for the last time.

All the cucu cicit lelaki helped to bring Mama to Kubur. I bet Mama was so light sebab cepat je dorang sampai kubur. Alhamdulillah, Mama punya Kubur sebelah kubur atok. My cousin siap buat lawak.

" Mama, sebelah ni atok tau. Jangan gaduh2 ye"

It all settle before Maghrib. Rasa macam tak percaya Mama dah pergi.

Tempat tido Mama kitorg tak usik sampai Ibu Babah balik from Haji. Ibu pesan "jangan kemas dulu katil and bilik Mama, ibu balik besok ibu kemaskan"

Thank you Mama. For all your love.

Semoga Mama dielakkan dari sekasaan kubur. Dan menjadi ahli Syurga.

This year will be the first year without you. It gonna be awkward because my routine dah takde. Mandikan dan pakaikan baju baru Mama. It was my job every year.

You will forever be missed.

Al-fatihah.