there are raisons behind everything that happened
damn. too long to make it as a title. anyway. today, again, as a night tagger, i have the opportunity to go to wisma satok and fulfill my deprivation of internet. for your information as well, today will be my last day as tagger. YESSS and NOOOO....
YES. i am looking forward for today as this will be my last day as tagger. from tomorrow, i MAY have the chance to work office hour. and tagger's works like hell.
NO. nooo..i have a bigger responsibility now. i may have to be actively participating in management of the patient. not only that, i have to do oncallllssss...nooooo...panic, panic
whatever it is, i still can't run away from it. just have to face it anyway. but i hope i'll live through it.
like yesterday, i was emotionally distressed and i almost show it to my colleagues, my senior doctors and the patients' family members. i had a patient who was previously admitted for a medical illness. upon discharge, he was still not fully well but as he requested to continue the treatment at a private hospital, we let him go. however, before he managed to go there, he had a low BP hence was admitted again at gov hospital. i was not totally feel attached to this family but since i was the doctor who took care of the patient since he was first admitted, of course i knew him better than others. beside, i think i spent a little more time with him and family members; explaining things and clarifying things, hence made him one of the memorable patient i had so far. after a day readmission, the next day i found him intubated (was put on tube to help the patient breathing by machine). of course i was surprised to see his condition deteriorating that fast. since he was under someone's else care and i had other important obligation to do, i resumed to my own work. an hour later, i went down and saw him was on CPR. i could see, the other family members crying and praying as if that was the only last things that they could do. and it was. he could not be saved and i did not even manage to help the CPR/resus team. when it was the time to tell them about the lost, i tried to run away, but i couldn't. they expected me to tell them something. but my senior doctor gave them the answers. i could feel the warm tears in my eyes hence i quickly made an excuse. i was very vulnerable to this kind of thing. i hope i can control my emotion better next time.
there is one emotion or state i am good at now. the state to be stoned or to be deaf when you've been yelled or scolded by the specialist or any doctor. i was on night tag so i should go back by 1pm yesterday. but due to unforeseen circumstances, i had to go back by 5pm. this was a TORTURE!. never mind. i just let it be for patient's sake( even though when i think about it again, i was doing it for my specialist's sake. to calm his anxiety). never mind. then later i had to come back by 11pm for my night tag. i thought i could have an hour or two sleep but when i was about to sleep, my senior doctor called me to do all various sorts of things. like taking blood CnS at 5am. etc etc. never mind. again i told myself. i kept reminding myself that i am a tagger. my life value is as valuable as the life value of an amoeba. so, i just did until 7am when i had to review my patient again. since i had made a bad impression on my specialist last time, i thought i wanted to do my job super excellent so that he will thank me. but early that morning, when i was about to ask him a question, he yelled at me and ordered me to insert a line into that patient. i mean, hello, at 9am. by right, as a normal person, i bet all of you may get angry as well. to be yelled about something you did not do wrong. even i was half shocked by the yell but i just calmly say "ok, i go now" and left.when he came to do the real round, he met me and i showed all the results i had received, he suddenly became very nice and even thanked me. so, what i have learned today is that, no matter how nice you are, no matter how nice you see some people. most of them may not be able to take stress and if they stress out, they will turn to another personality. that's what i have observed so far. and the culprit is ON CALLS. don't mess up with your work when you know that your boss or your senior doctor was on calls last night. they are not themselves at that time.
so, that's all for now i think. even though there are lots of things i want to share but hope to write it here later.
wani....gambatte!!!!!
YES. i am looking forward for today as this will be my last day as tagger. from tomorrow, i MAY have the chance to work office hour. and tagger's works like hell.
NO. nooo..i have a bigger responsibility now. i may have to be actively participating in management of the patient. not only that, i have to do oncallllssss...nooooo...panic, panic
whatever it is, i still can't run away from it. just have to face it anyway. but i hope i'll live through it.
like yesterday, i was emotionally distressed and i almost show it to my colleagues, my senior doctors and the patients' family members. i had a patient who was previously admitted for a medical illness. upon discharge, he was still not fully well but as he requested to continue the treatment at a private hospital, we let him go. however, before he managed to go there, he had a low BP hence was admitted again at gov hospital. i was not totally feel attached to this family but since i was the doctor who took care of the patient since he was first admitted, of course i knew him better than others. beside, i think i spent a little more time with him and family members; explaining things and clarifying things, hence made him one of the memorable patient i had so far. after a day readmission, the next day i found him intubated (was put on tube to help the patient breathing by machine). of course i was surprised to see his condition deteriorating that fast. since he was under someone's else care and i had other important obligation to do, i resumed to my own work. an hour later, i went down and saw him was on CPR. i could see, the other family members crying and praying as if that was the only last things that they could do. and it was. he could not be saved and i did not even manage to help the CPR/resus team. when it was the time to tell them about the lost, i tried to run away, but i couldn't. they expected me to tell them something. but my senior doctor gave them the answers. i could feel the warm tears in my eyes hence i quickly made an excuse. i was very vulnerable to this kind of thing. i hope i can control my emotion better next time.
there is one emotion or state i am good at now. the state to be stoned or to be deaf when you've been yelled or scolded by the specialist or any doctor. i was on night tag so i should go back by 1pm yesterday. but due to unforeseen circumstances, i had to go back by 5pm. this was a TORTURE!. never mind. i just let it be for patient's sake( even though when i think about it again, i was doing it for my specialist's sake. to calm his anxiety). never mind. then later i had to come back by 11pm for my night tag. i thought i could have an hour or two sleep but when i was about to sleep, my senior doctor called me to do all various sorts of things. like taking blood CnS at 5am. etc etc. never mind. again i told myself. i kept reminding myself that i am a tagger. my life value is as valuable as the life value of an amoeba. so, i just did until 7am when i had to review my patient again. since i had made a bad impression on my specialist last time, i thought i wanted to do my job super excellent so that he will thank me. but early that morning, when i was about to ask him a question, he yelled at me and ordered me to insert a line into that patient. i mean, hello, at 9am. by right, as a normal person, i bet all of you may get angry as well. to be yelled about something you did not do wrong. even i was half shocked by the yell but i just calmly say "ok, i go now" and left.when he came to do the real round, he met me and i showed all the results i had received, he suddenly became very nice and even thanked me. so, what i have learned today is that, no matter how nice you are, no matter how nice you see some people. most of them may not be able to take stress and if they stress out, they will turn to another personality. that's what i have observed so far. and the culprit is ON CALLS. don't mess up with your work when you know that your boss or your senior doctor was on calls last night. they are not themselves at that time.
so, that's all for now i think. even though there are lots of things i want to share but hope to write it here later.
wani....gambatte!!!!!
Comments
Don't worry, Kak Lina and I always wish you all the best.
Let share with us if you need a shoulder to rely on ok. We are always here for you. Being a responsibility adulth is hard..that's no doubt.
Never mind, you will get use of it.
Take care big girl.
Sayonara...
acios...hokie dokie..
p/s sorry its my habit to say joe or dude for quite sumtimes already ^^