The one with the Ramblings

Ramblings start.... Remember I told you how HappY I was to come back to Kuching. Finally to be able to concentrate to things I love the most. Happy? - Yes, Happier. Good field, good colleagues, dependable bosses. But I too feel regrets? When I first started, I felt like in a different world, even though I used to be in the department before; I worked here once upon a time. But why I felt so BLUR. I feel like everything is new to me. I feel like I am starting over. I envy some of the junior colleagues that are more skillful than me.  Regrets? For went to Kapit? for not staying as a surgical MO before? What if I stay? Will I be better? Will it be any difference? Sometimes I become motivated but there are times I become DeMotivated. When I feel like I screwed up. When I couldn't answer their questions right. When I know the path to become surgeon is not easy. I feel like want to give up at one point thinking that I may not be strong enough to continue with this journey a...

I have a habit of naming my possessions. Like how I name my car, my guitar, my camera. It makes us feel like a family. It tighter the bond.  Here are some of the stuffs that I named. 1) Black Zephyr Its my BLACK proton Iswara car. My first car I had as a present from Babah. 2) Viviana @Vivi My computer BLACK Sony Viao. Always want to have Sony Viao since I was a student. When my Acer was stolen last 3 years, it gave me an excuse to buy a new computer. Since then, Vivi came to the family. 3) Baby It was my BLACK Lumix Compact DSLR I first bought with KP to ease our craze for photography. I have lots of memories with Baby. We share the ups and downs. Now, I have my brother to take care of Baby since I found Richard. Not that I hate Baby, never will. It just that for someone to progress, certain things need to be sacrificed. 4) Luffy, Raul, Shanks. All are the names of my teddies. I have Luffy with me all the times but the rest are "resting" well at my hometown. L...

13th December Every year at this day, will be the day that i will expect presents, eating something nice, delicious cakes, wishes, etc. Celebrating my special day with people that I treasure the most; my family. But..as I grow mature, birthday is no longer become a day of celebration. I have a new perception about birthdays. Birthday become a day of reminisce about the things I have done and achieved for the past years. To think about the times I have wasted, things that I have missed, things I should have done, moments I truly love,  moments I should have forgotten. The number of candles you blow every year now has become a time bomb of how closer are you to death. It tells you how little times you have left with so many things to do. It does cause me a state of panic. Like, I haven't travel around the world yet! Or I haven't send my parents to Haj yet. Or I haven't bought my brother a car yet. Lots of things I want to do in this world and I don't even close to a...

Yesterday was my first oncall as surgical MO SGH. It was so HAPPENING!!! my call started with patient collapsed in scope room. Resuscitation done in that small OT room. Then right hemothorax Then Rupture AAA Then IOs Then multiple referral for breast Ca, Acute appendicitis, UGIHs, Hemorrhoids, limb ischaemia, Ended with sign a death cert for DNAR patient. Sleepless But fun and frustrating Fun and excited to see all the cases came in. Has lot of things to learn. But at times, felt regrets for not knowing to manage better. Bottom line is, lots of things to learn. Nice. Can do this once a while. But not that frequent. I am out of stamina. Huhu.

yup... still alive and kicking!! what new??  a lot of things has happened. 1) I finally waved goodbye to Kapit for good. Yang manis, pahit, tawar, payau etc...dan segalanya ku ucapkan terima kasih sekali lagi..will i be coming back to kapit?..hhmmmm... 2) Had a wonderful 2 weeks holiday at home..good to be home tapi tak boleh lama2...nanti naik lemak... 3) Hey Kuching I'm back!!..I am now the new surgical MO..fuh...first few weeks, perasaan; menyesal sebab tak study betul2 when I was in Kapit, teramat menyesal. Happy sebab now if I do any procedure, I know that I have my ass and back covered. Meaning to say that i can call for help instantly from bosses yang baik hati. Menyesal jugak sebab tak build up stamina awal2 kat kapit and bila kene oncall yang busy dah rasa nak collapsed. Tetiba dapat NYHA class 3. Perkara paling susah is bangun awal. oh no..but despite all those things, I am really happy to be back. My house is awesome. Can't wait for my family to come over. ...

I went to Kuching last weekend to find a house to rent. At last, I found a house I like but a bit overpriced from the initial budget. But I bet my parents and family will love it. As usual, I took a night bus from Sibu, arrived very early in the morning at Kuching and headed to Waterfront Lodge where I usually stay. One of the thing out of other few good things about Waterfront Lodge is that they have 24hours check in time. You can just check yourself as early as 5am. I took the dorm as usual. Many will ask why I like to stay in this kind of cheap hostels, travel by bus when I can afford to travel by plane and check myself in Pullman? It is because, I love the taste of a little adventure in it. Imagine the money you managed to save in exchange to an awesome experience and adventure. Yes it will be very tiring. Who can sleep soundly on a chair in a bus that travels 180km/hr? But something good happened over the weekend. I met Hilda from Holland at the hostel. Few awesome th...

Waaa......Is this the end? I first watched Nina 3 years ago and was instantly captured by her charms. First video I watched was about subway sandwich and she was the one to blame for my constant cravings of subway sandwich since then. Since then, I never stop following her and anticipating new videos from her. I can't wait to know what are the new things she has learned, new acts she put on, new English words and new place she went. At times, watching her made me feel happy and put away my sorrows. Even there was time, watching her made me feel like having a child for myself. But later I learned that raising a child is not easy. So Nina, thank you for letting me witness your life. It is an honor. I'm wishing you all the best in the future. Be a good girl and stay cute. Love.

Work with sick patients, blur nurses, annoying people, complicated disease, referral, scary specialist, ridiculous patients. On top of bad hair day, messy house, messy rooms, lousy self, pending projects, pending forms to fill, pending bills. Its like a cycle that repeat itself regularly. And most of the time, it will come all together. It is more then enough to make someone depress. Why do I have to grow up and to have all these responsibilities and complicated life? What happened today. I woke up quite early around 530am but I felt so demotivated to get up and get myself ready to work. Imagine the ample times I had to do lot of things like have a nice breakfast, probably wash my laundry or continue to pack my stuff in a box. But no!! I lied on my bed, closed my eyes, tried to dream nice things but had a weird one instead, and prepared myself at 730am. Had a very quick breakfast and off to hospital in a rush. I had wasted my 2 hours by doing nothing smart. It was a very stressful day ...

Everyone!!.. Let me introduce you to Benjamin Heine (Ben Heine) He, whom I wish I can meet and know personally, a super extraordinary talented freaking genius artist i just know. Like 10minutes ago. He just gave me a premature ventricular contraction by viewing his awesome pictures. You can view his fantastic artworks that will give you visual orgasm here- BenHeineFB ... and the rest of his sickening cool works of art here - BenHeineBlogspot There are lots of subtype of photography that you may come across like wedding photography, portraiture, travel, landscape, etc. I am more into portraiture and travel photography. There were few attempts to be artistic but fail because I don't think I am that artistic much. But true that photography is the best way to express your view and feelings but I often can project that much feeling in my photos. That means, need lot of practice. Click more and edit more. Travel more. To see these beautiful and perfect pictures by taken by professionals ...

Bengang....Teramat Hear me out and then judge. An old man presented with irregular growth and ulcer at his penile area that looks malignant. Has been seen in polyclinic and been given appointment to see specialist soon after that. BUT.... No.... he didn't turned up. OK fine. Maybe he has this transportation issue or due to bad weather he couldn't get into his boat and come for the appointment. Totally understand that because it the most commonest reason given by patients who defaulted follow ups. But not for him. The caretaker forgot about it. Didn't know that he had such appointment in the first place? Unacceptable. FINE. so people do forget. I told him and family members that he needs further treatment in tertiary hospital. There is possibility of surgery and scans and probably a long hospital stay. So he reacted. " Oh..Nadai belanja.." (Not enough money) OK...Fine. Not a big a deal. We can refer you to social worker. But I noticed that he has numbers of childre...

Yippe!!!.... Alhamdulillah, we made it to Bandung. Thanks to Air Asia even though with the delay. =P Touch down at Bandara Hussein Sastranegara at 930pm WIB (17th September). The airport was surprisingly small. Even smaller then Sibu's. Thank God that we passed the custom easily. Check in at Mutiara Hotel that I booked earlier through Agoda. Quite a good price and comfortable stay. The top reason why my parents and I went to Bandung was because of my mom. Ibu desperately wanted a new wedding gown next month for her clients. But why Bandung? She said the wedding gowns are cheaper in Bandung. Is it true? My impressions: It was how I imagined, like those in the sinetron or Indonesian drama on TV. The traffic was HORRIBLE. Fast cars and motorcycles were everywhere!! People honking and driving like mad with no proper functioning traffic light (most of the traffic light showed yellow light all the times). I don't think I can survive driving in Bandung. But despite very bad traffic an...

1) buy TV 55inch for Ibu - check 2) Bandung trip - check 3) Ayan and Najib adventure to Kuching - planning 4) Beijing 2012 - in progress 50% 5) Japan -korea 2013 - planning 6) Master program - in progress

Is it because of the fever? I edited my Raya pictures few days ago. Yea only since few days ago after Day14 of Raya. In view of "unforeseen" circumstances and due to chronic fatique syndrome, then the delay. However, Ureshi na!!... How I wish I can turned back time to that day. The days when all of us together. The days when I was at home with my love ones. Unlike here. All alone with very bad internet connection. Huh. When I saw Aishah's picture, my niece, it reminded me to the statement she gave that made me speechless. "Kak Wani, satu hari nanti Aishah nak jadi macam Kak Wani" She told me that one day she wants to become like me. My reaction was? Why? Which part of me you wanted to be? Which part of me that you look up for? She too wants to become a doctor. Shouldn't I be happy? Why shouldn't I? Should I? "Hmm..Ok" I said silently. I am not sure what she sees on me. Am I a good role model? Anything that I did or doing is worth to be followed...

Even though sekarang dah raya hari ke 14......raya kan sebulan...mood masih lagi mood raya!! 1) Definasi Raya As I grow up (really??..), raya has different meaning for me. Dulu setiap kali raya, memang seronok, tak sabar nak pakai baju raya, nak kumpul duit raya. Sekarang? After 27years of life? dah takde dah perasaan macam tu. Tak kesah pun kalau tak de baju raya, (lagi bagus, ada alasan aku pakai Tshirt and jeans balik kampung..hehe). Duit raya? Masih seronok jugak. Bukan sebab dapat duit raya, seronok bila bagi duit raya. It is time to pay back kan? But pening kepala woh kira budget. Time macam tu la selalu pikir kenapa la aku tak kaya, boleh petik je duit dari pokok. Hehe. Sekarang ni, raya adalah untuk aku berkumpul dengan family. dengan sepupu, sepapat yang tak kenal, yang kenal tapi lupa, yang baru kenal etc. Glad that aku ada family yang ramai. Babah je ada 11 adik beradik, tak masuk sepupu lagi. Family ibu lagi. Nice to hang out with them sebab bukan selalu berjumpe. And se...

Penulis terasa amat capek... Penulis bagi prelude dulu k... Poin-poin penting 1) makcik kopak lagi... 2) anak sedare ku memang lawak 3) "Mama nak mati" 4) cakap! cakap! 5) ibu pakai baju kurung 6) berapa lame cuti 7) pembuluh darahku makin menipis 8) kisah empat Dato Lembaga dan tuan puteri Apakah definisi raya Penulis nak buat karangan.. Jurukamera nak edit gambar and video Selamat hari raya!!!

IF..... if today will be the last day for you with her.... what will you do... knowing that today... will be the last day for both of you to be together... will there be regrets? will there be sweet memories? will there be happiness? Hope? Sad? I hope this is not the end. This is just a new chapter... Glad that we met... And I wish you all the best in the future... Gamabatte!!!!!

Haven't heard from Kanjani8 for quite sometime. I found out that they released a new single recently. I am not really into their songs. (So-so la) I am more into their variety shows. Their characters are much fun to watch. But ada la some of their songs tu best a jugak. Like this new single, I love the sound of guitar. Secara zahirnya macam senang je nak main, tapi secara batin macam susah je. Hmmm. Terdetik pulak nak tau lirik and maksud lagu ni. Thanks to mereka yang telah berjaya translate lagu ni. Impression: Ternyata orang Jepun memang complicated. Secara jujurnya, tak paham ape yg disampaikan, walaupun paham skit tapi nak buat tak paham gak. Oleh itu, lupakan saje ape yang nak disampaikan. Just enjoy the melody. Nishikido kun. Kakkoi yo!! If you wanna try to understand the song. Try la. Lirik Hitasura gamusharana yarikata de (Doing everything in an eager, brash manner) Kabe ni butsu karu hibi ni wa narete kita (Geting used to the days of c...

You Are Opaque Pantyhose You are a practical person. You don't have any room for fluff in your life. You are a creative problem solver. You've figured out what works for you, and you just go with that. You are original and independent without trying to be. You just seem to pick paths that are less traveled. You are brainy and you love difficult intellectual challenges. You don't have patience for your time being wasted. What Kind of Panty Hose Are You? Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

You Should Change the World By Working Hard You have a defiant streak. If someone tells you that you can't do something, it makes you that more determined. You have a passionate inner drive, and you know deep down that you're destined for greatness. You take on huge projects and see them through. You lead the way when it comes to success. You are well suited to tackle the worlds most difficult problems and injustices. You will never give up. How Should You Change The World? Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

You Should Drive a Black Car You're the type of driver who's totally dominant and even a bit aggressive. You see the road as a "dog eat dog" world... and you're not about to get eaten! You like to drive a vehicle that conveys power. Big engine. Big price tag. You rule the road - and you like everyone to know it. What Color Car Should You Drive? Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

You Are Cloudy Like everyone else, you are human. You have your ups and downs. You try to be resilient and weather the storm. You usually can find a silver lining. You struggle to be happy, and so far you are winning the battle. Make room in your life for a little fun every day. It will do wonders! Are You Sunny, Cloudy, or Stormy? Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

You Are Impulsive More than anything else, you crave freedom in your life. You have to be able to do what you want. You are stubborn and independent. You don't take no for an answer. You like to live in the moment, and you tend to be a pretty big thrill seeker. You are easy going unless you are challenged. You are flexible until you're not. What One Word Describes You? Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

Your Bed Says You Have Your Head in the Clouds Outward appearances are a concern of yours, but not your primary concern. You try to take care of yourself and your home, but it's not an obsession. You try to be an organized person, but you often fall behind. Certain parts of your life tend to fall into chaos. You are very high maintenance. You like everything a certain way, and you're grumpy if things aren't the way you like them. In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge. You tend to be a dreamy, head in the clouds type of person. You think in terms of possibilities. You are a total homebody. You are happiest when you're at home. What Does Your Bed Say About You? Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Almost 1 week of Ramadhan. Time flies so fast. Counting days to go home with family. I need a new start. Not possible to do it here. I need to get out to become a new person. Better person. Its already more than 1/2 a year. Lets check those new year resolutions I made earlier. 1) to travel more - unfortunately trip to Japan was canceled. I was so devastated. I made few attempts to carry the plan regardless but failed. In the end, I decided to bring my family to Beijing next year. Still have months to work hard and to save the money. Gambatte!! Japan? I will definitely go to Japan soon. Soooon!! 2)To be healthy and thinner - Dang! its ok. I still have at least 5 months to work it out. still not too late. It is very difficult to be physically healthy if you are not healthy emotionally. It needs balance, preserverence and of course Strong WILL!! 3)To learn how to play instrument - Check!. I bought Hiroshi (my guitar) and I am now in the process of learning few easy songs. Rock it!!...my a...

What is happening to the world now? What do you think? A girl? or A Guy? Sigh. Perbanyakkan la amalan. Jangan sampai perkara ni pun boleh jadi "gray area". I was blogger walking and came across a blog talked about this guy. But honestly, he is beautiful. It just that he is too beautiful. Apa nak jadi la.

When was the last time I read a fiction book? When was the last time I read and cried? (not including the snip it of the article in Borneo Post that made me "famous" instantly. That was tears of hatred and disappointment) She did not write a story, Jodi Picoult wrote a beautiful story! The issue is not something new. It happens everyday and actually is happening right now while i am writing this post. The question? - If when you are pregnant and found out that the baby inside you is not as "perfect" as you wish for, will you? a) abort it? b) keep it? Next question:- Will you do like what Charlotte O'Keffe did; in order to "protect" the daughter she loves the most, will go full throttle even though it may caused her being called a "bad" guy, lost her best friend and spouse? What will you do, how will you react if you in Dr Piper Reece's shoes? Jodi Picoult elaborated and explored each of the characters in a such wonderful way. It makes you...

Yesterday, I download the guitar chord for this song. And now I able to strum the song! But yet need lot of practice. Still messy. Love this song. I hate oncall in weekend. I want to hibernate in my room and do nothing medically related.

I love OT OT? = operation theater The environment. Ambiance. Is Cool, Tranquil, Calm. Lately not much surgical cases unless if there is visiting Surgeon from Kuching. So I am more than happy if there is case like abscess for I+D. Even it is small, something that you can do under LA, I will even do it in OT. Because I like OT and the assistant is much better. The staffs are nice and friendly. Helpful. Probably the only time I talk the most is in OT. With them. I rarely have the conversation that is NOT medically or work related with other nurses in the ward or ER, even to my colleagues! I think because when I was at somewhere else, I was easily annoyed. When I am annoyed, I don't talk to people. When I am not happy, I don't talk. Silent treatment. Once I acted cold, it was difficult to act nice again. When I try too, I feel disgusted to myself, for "acting" to be nice when I am not. Why la. I myself not sure about it. Why is it OT different? Why the staffs receive diff...

Walaupun kengkadang rase trauma nak plan (after Trip to Japan cancel), tapi wat de heck, i like planning bende2 macam ni. Travel ala 360. But now with family, kene pikir tentang kebaikan semua orang gak. Hmm..Plan for Bandung next september Beijing! 2012... Rase nak pergi MPH sekarang and beli those travel book and language book and start making notes and budget expenses. Googling!!!! Secara tak langsung, akan jadi pemangkin utk bekerja lebih rajin..InsyaAllah Jessie J memang tipu. Mane boleh nak forget about the price tag? Kedai mane yang boleh bayar with love? Aja2 Fighting. Hari ini. ada 2 reasons to smile 1) Terima panggilan daripada Da Boss. Dah bagi nama, IC and MMC. diakhiri dengan kata2 semangat. "Ambil je la MRCS"...Hmmm...mode bace buku kembali....tapi lepas habis baca Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. 2) Marisa Khadijah Borhan tuh dah beranak!!!!....Baby Boy!!!....She told me that she's gonna named him Adam....Terharu and sebak..nanti ku cerita kenapa aku terh...

Its a habit i cannot change. Previous post i talked about Korean drama love after a predictable, cliche, yet slight entertaining Taiwan Drama I watched; Corners with Love. The main actor, Show Luo honestly not that handsome but somehow as always, I googled him for unknown reason. (difficult to explain). But I guess that is what I do best. I found a guy and I google him. Doesn't have to be a celebrity. That's the power of internet. Thanks Google. After several youtubes, wikipedia and gossips forums, I found Show Luo to be a very interesting guy and a very famous one too. Funny, charismatic, funny, who treasures friendship a lot and honest. Hell of a good dancer too (not as good as Daniel Cloud Campos though, he still my top fav). Especially this youtube clip makes me repeats it 1000x. Love the every detail of popping. So cool. When you google about someone, you will come about his/her past life, how was he before he was famous, how he copes with it, how difficult his life was, ...

mintak maaf, terpaksa menyalahkan Korea dalam hal ni... Sebab, saya sayang Jepun! Sekarang aku kembali ke fasa Otaku (I mean, waktu tengah peak la, aku rase aku memang tak penah tinggalkan fasa otaku ini)..Tonton drama Jepun, Korea, Anime, Manga.. Kebahagiaan.... FYI. Ibu, sepupuku, kak Ina pun tengah layan drama Korea. Ibu pun dah maju setapak pandai bukak Youtube, MySoju etc. Hai..masa ini la tetibe rasa jadi suri rumah itu lagi best ..............................TAKLEH....tarik balik... Lalu ku tonton la cerita bertajuk Corner With Love, cerita lama kot, cerita dari Taiwan.. Best? Of course la seronok. Name pun drama kan. Cliche pun tapi seronok. Pasal ape? Ala macam biasa. Lelaki ni pemarah pastu bengap tak reti nak confess, pendam perasaan, kononnya, dia lebih bahagia dengan orang lain selain dia, pastu bila dah menyesal, berlari balik cari pompuan tu yang cantik, perfect, orang kaya, sweet, comel dan segala keindahan itu adalah dia, tapi juga bengap nak confess dan bebal tapi dim...

Hmmm nak jadi cynical la arini.. Pernah dengar lagu Talking to The Moon by Bruno Mars? Best kan? Romantic Pastu ditambah lagi dengan intro piano yang teramat merdu, dan alunan suara Bruno Mars, memang enak. Tetapi bila dengar lagu ni betul-betul, tetiba rase nak mengutuk. Ini liriknya: I know you somewhere out there Somewhere far away I want you back I want you back My neighbours think I'm crazy They don't understand You all I had you all I had At night when the stars light up my room I sit by myself Talking to the moon Trying to get to you In hopes you're on the other side Talking to me too Or Am I a fool Who sits alone Talking to the moon I feel like I'm famous The talk of the town They say I've going mad That I've going mad But they don't know what I know When the sun goes down Someone's talking back Yeah they are talking back At night when the stars light up my room I sit by myself Talking to the moon Trying ...

From South to North, then to East. I met with the newly weds, with the newborns, with the expecting. The birth, growing up, marriage, growing old, death; is supposed to be a beautiful cycle of life. But I become scared of it. Every single phase. I imagine myself in their shoes. What if I am not ready to accept my partner for richer and poorer, for sickness and health? What if I am not capable to raise a child in a world that I myself can't differentiate between the goods and the evils? What if when I am so worry about my future that I forget the ones that I love now? What if I fail miserably? What defines happiness? What if I am too happy now? As always, I walked along the waterfront, attempted to clear my conscience. The more I think of it, the more selfish and colder woman I've become. As much I love being me right now, I decided to cherish whatever I have now. The rest is up to YOU!

Kenapa cuti bukan 5 kali seminggu?..Kenapa cuti itu bukan tiap-tiap hari? Seronok tak hengat. Bersama mereka-mereka yang tercinta.. 1) Buat kenduri aka birthday "party" (party la sangat..gets on the dance floor people!) di rumah. Kecoh keadaan dengan kehadiran ahli2 keluarga sure kecoh. Seronok! Anak-anak sedara semua dah makin membesar dan aku makin memendek dan membulat. Sigh. 2) Waterhomes PD. Cakap kat ibu, dah lama plan nak book hotel yang mewah dan selesa untuk seisi keluarga melepak. Untuk ibu yang tidak perlu buat kerja rumah buat 2-3hari, babah yang tak perlu fikir pasal BTN or kerja, dan untuk Mama untuk keluar dari rumah sekali sekala, dan untuk the boys having fun out from the shelf. Terlihat ads kat majalah travel 360 masa balik dengan air asia aritu. Mengancam je nampak Waterhomes ni, siap ada pool dalam rumah! Atas laut lak tu. Survey harga, nampak gaya boleh la dibayar dengan credit card. So aku pun rembat la. Antara kesimpulan yang aku dapat buat; kalau aku d...

Can be considered as impromptu decision by my father. Better now before I get my transfer back and when the ticket is cheap (RM10 Air Asia). Arrived on 24th June, hang around Sibu for a day and to Kapit the next day for 2 days. Exciting? They said, it will be their first and last. Hehe. In Sibu, we checked in at Tanahmas, very comfortable and pleasant. Where to hang out in Sibu? Showed them the Night Market which I love (Love any kind of night markets anyway), then the Central Market in the morning, Sibu Heritage Centre; to learn a bit of history of Sibu, to Wisma Sanyan; the tallest building, showed them the cinema where I often go, and just walked around Sibu. Tiring but interesting. The most anticipating yet nerve-wrecking experience my parents were looking into was the boat ride. They thought it would make them sea sick and vomit all the way. And the idea of 3 hours ride is something they not fond of. But....in the end, it was nothing. No one vomit. No one fainted. Most of us slept...