The one with the Ramblings

This is about me and strawberry I don't like strawberry. Never Ever. Hate strawberry flavor milkshake or ice cream or cake. If you ask me why? I think it would be because of how people relate strawberry and girl. "You drink strawberry milkshake? that is so gay" And I am not gay or girly or sissy. Hence I hate it. Besides, the taste is weird (ate a strawberry flavor Dutch Lady milk before and I vomited once I drank it) So, the point is, me and strawberry is a big NO. For my last year family trip to Pahang, we visited a strawberry farm. You know, the errr what do you call it as a must-do or must-eat thingy in a trip? For example like if you go to Penang, you MUST eat Nasi Kandar. If not, you can't say that you have been to Penang. Or go to Kuching, Sarawak and you MUST take a picture at the cat statue in the middle of the city. So, I thought that since I was in a STRAWBERRY farm, I MUST eat a strawberry and I have to prove it or people will say I lied about it. (Yup, so...

I love my call last night. Stayed in my on call room from 4pm until 1030pm when the call me for a meconium liquour but subsequently successfully delivered vaginally few minutes after I S+S her and admitted a febrile fit girl. From 11 till dawn, it was a very quiet night. No calls from ER or from the ward. Lalalala AND!!! I able to complete reading one whole chapter from my surgical textbook. What an achievement so far. Proud of myself. Hnsss, Hnsss. But I have this weird dream. Interesting but weird. I even sketch it out for better understanding. I came to this weird place in my dream, with the black van with few others acquaintance (there probably like 10 of us?, not really sure of it myself but I felt like I did know all of them) and we parked our van next to the pool. Weird thing about the pool was that all the fish were dead and suddenly I saw few crocodiles came toward us and 'jumped' out from the pool ate all the dead fish!. Like how the fish in Taman Sahabat, Kuching. We...

I think I need less Facebook, less E!, less daydreaming, less hatred and less annoying people and I need more exercise, more healthy food, more reading and more anime and manga that will make my life better and healthier, physically, mentally and emotionally I need to build up the will and power to make it happen Chakra building starts now!!!!

Job list 1) Transfer letter sent = check! (FYI, applying back to Kuching) Interesting conversation that I had with my mom a day before I handed in my transfer letter. We first talked about the decision for our family holidays, where to go, when to go da di da di da. Then talked about Jenny's new kittens. Then, she started it, "So, macam mane ko? balik kuching ke balik sini?" I gave her the pros and the cons. But of course I try to pujuk her to letting me stay in Kuching, at least for another few years. Tak lama pun. Antara the points for senang dapat cuti raya, and Air Asia flight ada every hour and good for career wise. Terdengar suara babah dari belakang rooting for me to stay in Kuching. At last, she said, "up to you, ok gak Kuching tu. Ibu tak kesah". Tu dia pengorbanan ibu. Demi kebahagiaan anak perempuan tunggal yang degil, she has to agree and ni bukan yang pertama kali. 2) Book Air Asia X to Beijing 2012 = Check! At last, made the decision, our first f...

It was not that hard when I made the decision for med school. It was not difficult when to give options for HOship placement. Even to decide to go to Kapit. It was easy. So, why it is so difficult now? So far, the plan is going out pretty well and smooth. Med school then HOship in East Malaysia then district then Master program then specialist then back to Seremban. That was the initial plan. Even the plan to go out from Kapit has been made even before I came here. The plan was, stay in district at least for a year then move on. Move out. That was the plan. But suddenly I have this hesitancy. I have this doubt. I wonder why. Where should I go now? What is the plan now? So dear people, hear me out, and please help me. All this while I thought I have a pretty well-planned life. Everything is on track. How I planned it to be. May be some of them is not as expected but I am still on the right track. And I'm talking about career-wise of course. Career-wise! So for me to go back to Kuch...

Received a mail air asia few days ago. There is a promotion going on to Japan. Booking time up till may 8, traveling period up till Febuari 2012. I was pretty tempted initially. It was actually much cheaper than last time. RM 700+ for 2way tickets. Amazing offer isn't it? But unlike last time, when I booked the tickets without thinking twice. This time, I think a lot. Like, should I go on February? Or should I wait till spring? or should I go to Fuji Rock Festival would probably somewhere in july? Most important thing which my mom would like to know, with who? Who should I drag this time? Am I able to just go there alone? Nah, my mother will be freaking out. Sigh. I wish I have enough money to bring my brothers. I told this to my mom yesterday. Don't rush. The time will come eventually. But my hands are very itchy...Hmmm... I decided to wait patiently. My old man birthday yesterday. He sounded so healthy. Thank God for keeping him that way. He is now 55. I told him. You can ret...

Heard and read lot of news and complaints towards doctors nowadays they make me feel sick. Tired. When I was a little younger, I was told that doctor is the most respected people in the society, not only as in profession but as a human being too. Not only that they save lives, but they are smart, and kind and they do make a lot of money and being a doctor will ensure a good life and a good prospect of job. I was not sure which part of the quality of doctors that I was attracted too but I believe most mothers at that time, or probably today would say, " Be in school, study hard and be a doctor. You will get an easy life" Phfft.. Define easy. But it definitely will make the parents proud. It will be the favorite topic amongst mothers in their every conversation. Mother A: "how many children do you have?" Mother B: " well I have 4 and 1 of them is a doctor" OOoooooo But let face it. It is true. It happens. It is happening while you are reading this post. One ...

When I first came to Kapit, Kak Pah and aku terkagum dengan sikap pemandu di sini. Sikap? Mereka berhenti di zebra crossing untuk beri laluan kepada pejalan kaki.. "wah, baiknya!!!" That was what i thought. Berperasangka baik bak kata orang. Tetapi, after a while, I was wondering. What if that was not the real true story? Apakata, mungkinkah, pemandu itu "Terpaksa" berhenti sebab pejalan kaki tersebut tidak sense the danger by crossing the road recklessly. Tak macam dalam tv tu. -pandang kanan, pandang kiri, pandang kanan..woooo- Mungkin disebabkan pejalan kaki suka meluru tanpa periksa keselamatan menyebabkan pemandu kereta terpaksa memberhentikan kereta mereka? Berperasangka Buruk. first impression is not always the real deal.

personality complex vs future undertaking writing from 8th floor RH hotel, junior suite room. Recent news about me. Have to deal with personality turbulence, had done too much thinking but come out with no solution. And lost in a battle with the impulsive buyer me. Had spent lots in things i like at first sight. What was I thinking? 1) I haven't change my Japan ticket yet. Plan to do it by next week. Why the delay? Why there is hesitation? I was thinking. If I turn into a rebellious bitch, I might just go. Regardless. Then only this soul will be at ease again. But again, why not? When i think of it, imagine my mom's reaction about it. I give up. I promise to myself not to see that worried, sad face of hers anymore. At all. I am now completed the 5 stages of grief. I am now at acceptance phase. 2) Enjoying the single life!! Love the freedom. I can decide where i want to go, what i want to do, when i want to do it. No hustle. I want to go shopping at the place I like. To stroll a...

condolence to Japan... praying for the best... Gambare!!! I wish I can be there right now, helping out.. God is gracious and benevolent, the most merciful. When I heard the news, these what i was thinking initially 1) so what, not really affecting tokyo though, so it is still possible, i will go definitely, regardless. 2) but, the other members of the trip may be worried sick about this. They certainly don't want to go. 3) Can they (Japan) recovered within 1 month? 4) What should i do if it is canceled? what should i do? 5) Why? Why now? Why? I cried. For the losses. lots of things to share, but don't have the energy and mood to write Had to make the hardest decision over the weekend. Japan's trip is canceled. It is for the best for all. But it broke my heart to pieces, burn it into ashes. How to describe the feeling? Like being dumped by someone you like Like being stabbed by your best friend Like being sprayed with lemon juice and pepper Like watching a romance korean dra...

while cleaning up my room and found this.. It is destiny or a choice? I was really determined and even more specific. Don't remember of having these evaluations. In Summary: When I first started high school, I had less confidence and initiative. But i think it was fair because it was a transition period from a childish me to a little less childish me. But can't help noticing that i was forever had a B for my appearance and sociability. Haha. Was never and still never a pretty girl in school. I was a school prefect hence I always put on my serious face to school. Hence the less sociability. I guess. These were what i chose These were what the homeclass teacher thought about me. In Summary: I was never good in Music, Literature and never have talent in persuading people. But excelled in Math and Social service. Tell me if i am wrong. Could it be that the teacher copied my answers? Or in a way, agreed to my choices? Sometimes, de cluttering can be effing long. Especially my broth...

Feel good to be home... 1) First thing Babah said to me when I hug him..." KO dah GOMOK!!!!"...ye, saya terima seadanya..boleh tak kurus later??...skang nak gemuk dulu..sebab nak makan byk2!!! 2) Mama's expressive dysphasia is actually improving. ada la bunyi melayu sikit. She needs to practice but masalahnye kat rumah skarang tak ramai dah penghuninye (utk dibawa berborak). Twins dah masuk college. I advised her to talk more often at the TV. Cursing those Indonesian's drama a lot. 3) Parents' attempts to cheer me up from the "incident" is soooo not working. Trying to tell EVERYONE about my situation right now is so not helping. And trying to tell me that Belaga is sooo nice too is not going to work. I am here not to talk about it at all!!..Because the more i think about it, the more frustrating I am about my superiors. (Not much about the patient herself but i am furious about my boss right now who sending me away. I hate politics!!)..So just shush it u...

After watching movies like "one week" and "All About Steve", i feel like one to go for backpacking. Like now. This instants. But...sigh.... Only that i have this so called obligations here and the fact that i am not a rich brat, i have to withhold the idea of having a blast holiday/adventure. Where i want to go? Here are some of the places i want to go. (wish i can go everyplace in this world. possible) 1) India - see the colorful culture that they have, the people and spectacular buildings 2) Japan - THE PEOPLE, the technology, 3) Australia - western to be exact 4) Europe - the scenery, people, 5) Morocco - scenery 6) Vietnam - just feel like want to go there 7) Brazil - world cup 2014 - a long waiting plan. 8) Canada - i want to sit on the biggest chair!!! Sigh..again.. What if i become selfish? How about, i just go to these places, apply leaves for 1 whole month and just go backpacking. Don't really care what gonna happen to hospital anyway. Is it possible? ...

i felt emotionally and physically unstable these past few days not much about work more about my feelings and personality interpersonal conflict usually this conflict will occur once in a while i don't know what i really want and what others want wouldn't it be easier if matters can be solved by saying it out loud and to confess truthfully rather making it a riddle to solve but its not going to help much if you don't even know what to say and to whom should you confess to i wish i can read others people's mind what they really think tell you the truth, i am lousy at picking up signs hence you body language or your flowerish words of wisdom are useless tell me straight to the point life or life why it has to be so complicated? or am i just exaggerating and making it complicated?

Will you change about yourself or will you change your principal? For someone else? In what extend will you ever think of doing that? Should I? For example, I like to remain unknown, remain anonymous. So that i can walk freely and do whatever i want without worry. If i act stupid, people will only say, "Yeah, like that one girl try to jump from that tree but managed to land on that pile of boxes" Instead of, "Yeah, like Dr Wani last time......." But, when public somehow notice you, it was uneasy. When people say hi to you from all direction, and the worse part is when you couldn't recognize or remember who they are? And they know you as the doctor. My principal was " once you get known by the people at your workplace or the town you stay, its time to move out" Looks like it is not applicable in Kapit. I think i have met half the Kapitan here only in 3 weeks of working. I don't want to move out just yet. I haven't explore Kapit that well. But de...

Everyone has their own secrets. sejujur2 manusia pun, mesti ada sesetengah perkara yang tidak mahu dikongsi. Badan sendiri, pendapat sendiri, tiada hujah yang boleh melawan. Kenapa nak berahsia? Malu? Segan? Atau takut? Adakah ianya satu stigma? Tidak mahu dikutuk masyarakat? Jikalau...... 1) Aku HIV positif dan aku berahsia perkara ini kepada isteriku kerana....... ya sila isikan tempat kosong itu. Kerana aku pun tidak faham. Jika rahsia yang sebegini, masihkah anda menerima kenyataan " badan sendiri, pendapat sendiri, tiada hujah yang boleh melawan"? "Bukankah kite di negara bebas? Diri aku, aku punya sukalah. Kenapa kau perlu nak sebuk?" Boleh terima tak? Ideologi bodoh itu? Kalau.... 2)Aku bekas banduan, pernah ditangkap kerana merogol banyak gadis. Kenapa nak berahsia? Malu? Takut? Ya ku malu. Sebolehnya ku tidak mahu memori ini dalam hidupku. Bukan niat berahsia, tapi niat untuk melupakan. Mulakan hidup baru bagai bayi baru lahir. Aku mahu mencorak hidup baruk...

i kept on this tab open for more than 2 hours... i want to write something... i want to share something... but i don't know what to write and which story to share Day 3 at Kapit..it started with a fear of a new place, fear of independent, fear of responsibility, fear of "what if". But i always keep my mind clear, i am not doing this for myself alone. i have to protect those people that i love so much. besides, this is the journey that i have chosen. no one to blame but me. so keep your head up, straighten your back and move with the flow. maybe the journey that you are going to embark may have surprises waiting for you. so let see about it. So far, i kind of like it. Openess. Let yourself to be seen. Make yourself transparent. Am I transparent? Am I? There are certain things i believe is best to share. It best to let it all out. Sometimes there some people may not like your way. Too forward. Too honest. Honesty is still the best policy. But its better that way because peo...

Bismillah Mari kite tinjau.. Harapan dan Impian di tempat baru.. 1) untuk menjadi pekerja yang berkebolehan, bertanggungjawab dan berhemah tinggi dan mempunyai segala ciri-ciri dan sifat-sifat yang baik sebagai seorang pekerja awam 2) untuk membantu rakyat kapit supaya memperoleh level kesihatan yang memuaskan dan melebihi apa yang dijangka terutama dalam birth control, compliance and knowledge 3) untuk memperoleh pendapatan yang mampu menyara keluarga dan menyara kehendak sendiri seperti new Lomo camera or new lens. (Kapit boleh buat locum tak?..ish tamak sungguh, tak cukup ke dengan duit oncall ko???..ha???..biase a, manusia mane pernah puas..huh) 4) untuk menjadi seorang yang lebih extrovert, bersocial dan menjadi lebih matang. (masuk facebook tak kira bersocial) 5) untuk menjadi lebih kurus raya tahun ni demi menyahut cabaran sepupuku Kak Nani. (terpakse apply cuti cepat tahun ni) Sekian, impian dan harapan untuk berkerja di tempat baru. Ni boleh dijadikan sebagai motivasi untuk te...

I witness Mama's depression over her stroke, the difficulty to express the words she wanted to say, must be very hard for her to take. Knowing Mama, she used to be very very talkative person. She likes to talk, to tell stories and to ask questions. My cousin doesn't mind to pay her phone bills. Because by that way, Mama is happy. Since the stroke, I could only see her depress face but pretend to be OK with it. I was wondering....... What if one part of my body will be taken away, which of it will cause me as depress as Mama.. My eyes definitely. Not to be able to see the beautiful world again, to witness how my sweet nieces and nephews grow, not able to see my loves one again, to see all the sweet moments, will really hurt me. Grievously hurt. Hence, i treasure my eyes and my eyesight. I want to see every single thing. How am i going to capture those moments with my camera without my eyes?! How about you?

Drum rolllllllllll.................... Today, i finally received an affirmative decision by my superior that i am allow to go to Kapit!!..Thank you. I will be a Kapitan. That means, my 2years-misery-life as HO is ending. What a relief!! Since the sentimental part of me has been more dominant for the past few weeks, i am going to reveal the truth and the honest feelings, the good and the bad experiences for the past 2 years of me as a houseman. Get a snack cuz this going to be longgggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE POSTINGS AND ROTATIONS MEDICAL - I started my rotations with medical. I think i have been telling this story over and over again especially to the juniors. How i started with very few housemen. I remember at that time medical only had 3 senior housemen; and i remember i tagged under Jasmin who was also still tagging. Only few of us at that time, Jasmin, Sh Hanisah, Angel, James, Chan HC and me. It was the dark ages where we only have everything OD basis. OD urination (alm...