Aunty Papa

Al fatihah

Of all the days that have passed, today reminded me of her again.

She left us more than 2months ago. The greatest aunt, the most inspirational woman i ever met, my idol.

We were not as closed as you imagine it would be. We only hang out when i came back home and that would be during raya or other festives holidays. My knowledge about her is as little as how i know about Angelina Jolie. But yet, she is the woman i wish i could be. My aunt i mean, not Angie.

When i was little, i looked at her as super rich aunt. The one who always pull bigger notes like rm50 from her wallet for duit raya. I got no lesser than that. And what impressed me more is that i have a large family, i have like 20over cousins more or less around my age and she gave them all duit raya. Her wallet was like Mary Poppin's bag vomit out cash. 

Not only that, she once gave me US coins when she came back from well duh US. I was thrilled and super excited!! Like wow, she went to US!! That was like trillion miles away!! And by plane!! Well you know how naive i was like when i was younger. We were all youngs once. And all these made me totally idolize her more. Rich girl who travel far. Who wouldn't want to be her?!! And the pizza she bought for us. And when she went to her apartment and she had swimming pool with it. All these informations were totally new to me and caught me thinking how cool she was. She made a standard of how i would be living when you know when i grew older. Super rich hot woman like her.

She married late. Around 40years old. To a man who was younger than her. Like waay to young with at least 20years gap. She was like Saidatina Siti khadijah! Then there was a little change when she wore hijab. I adore her even more! It somehow gave me hope and faith that yes jodoh or marriage will come. Allah gives the best for those who have faith in Him. And He gives the best of the options. She lived happily of course. Have a son! Everything turns out smoothly well for her. 

Until

I found out that she had been keep secretive of her breast cancer for years!! 

I was angry, frustrated, and most of it puzzled and guilty.

Angry and frustrated because for a very well educated and well financed lady to not do something when she got sick was something i couldn't comprehend! She could get the best medical care not only in Malaysia, she could get the best treatment overseas if she wanted to but no. 

That brings me to why? Why didn't she get treatment? Was she scared? Was it the ignorance?

And guilty. If i were to hang out more with her. Will she tell me earlier about the pain that she has? If i knew the disease earlier, i may convinced her what to do and all of these may not happened at all? Or at least her son may have another few years with her?

Despite her gone, despite her questionable decision, she never failed me to idolize her. When i found out that her son knew about it months before her demise and had been totally amanah about her mother secrecy, i think she had been a successful mother as well. How could she bring up a very mature son and he was just only 12years old kid? I met him during last Raya. He was not even distracted neither show any sadness. He acted very cool. My other aunts were so distraught more. Maybe i was wrong but from what i could see from the way he behave, it was probably a relief that his mother was finally gone. I totally understand. You don't want to see people who is suffered from chronic disease to continue to suffer. It was both emotionally painful to both the patient and the caretaker. 

So, dear you.

I wish i can be on a similar track as yours.

Has a good carreer, good family and child.

But despites all the good examples you had showed me, being a woman i always adore, to agree every steps you have taken, there is one decision i couldn't agree. But despite the different opinion, you still and will ever be, the woman i always look up to. My idol.

May you rest in peace. 

Love

Wani