The one with the Ramblings

I had one of the weirdest dream last night. I was at a beach walking along the waterline, and I saw him. His back. He was too walking along with his Tshirt and 3quarter pants. I could tell that I was really happy to see him even only his back. My heart pounded really fast. I made my walk a little faster so that I could catch up on him. He noticed and turned around and suddenly he was on a wheelchair look really sick. Like really cachexic and pale. I stopped. Horrified. Not only to see him like that but the scary thing was then I noticed that both my legs were amputated up to the knee level. When I turned back to him, he was gone. I saw a miniture size of him who is running away in front of me. Weird. But these are few of my dreams that scares hell out of me. I woke up this morning quickly feel my limbs. Thank God they still intact. Same goes with another dream that I had long time ago. I had been chased by a group of ghouls and I ran as hard as I can to get away from them. When I woke

I can never tell what politicians think. I wish i have the power to read other people's mind. Kapit. More or less 4months I have been living as a not so loving Medical Officer here in Kapit. Time flies really fast. A chronicles of bad events that happened to me lately make me realize, world is NOT FAIR. So Unjust! The heavy logs incident that filled up Rajang River. The express boat accident. The low level of water of Rajang River. Don't you get it? Are you blind? Or pretend to be blind? Are these still not enough to open your mind and eyes that Kapit does need help here!!!. We call ourselves a developing country. Is it? Yes developing only in some part of the country but most of the place still live in poverty. The only way to go to Kapit is by the express boat. Yes by the river. There is NO road access to Kapit. NO at all. The express' tickets are not cheap. And it can only operate at daytime up till 3pm. They can't go at night as they can't see the stream well. A

Is not the cat that I want to share...It is about Mama and how cute is she..Haha..I laugh really hard whenever i watch this video...

Pabila hati berkata dan mengendahkan kata otaknya. Jam menunjukkan pukul 4.25pm, ada 35minit lagi untuk aku habis pulang. Buat-buat busy di depan komputer, kononnya menaip clinical summary untuk pesakit tetapi nampaknya tak terdaya nak teruskan. Sebaliknya, terasa nak menulis sesuatu kat dalam blog ini. Nak tulis. Nak taip. Nak kongsi. APA? Jom tanya hati. Kata hati, nak ke Rembau sekarang, nak peluk ibu, babah, aman, ami, mama, ajat dan kucing2 kesayangan. Hati terasa rindu dengan mereka. Biarpun setiap kali perbualan kami akan menyentuh sedikit sebanyak masalah kewangan, masalah sekolah, masalah masa depan, masalah itu masalah ini. Apakah hidup tanpa masalah. Tapi rasa tenang bila di rumah, bila bersama mereka. Mungkin betul rumah itu syurga. Eh, bukan. Keluarga itu syurga. Hati rasa tidak mahu bekerja lagi. Penat. Bukan penat fizikal tapi mental dan emosi. Selalu tertanya, kenapa la dipilih profession ini. Jika ku teruskan course ku di UTP dulu, mungkin aku berada di pejabat. Mungki

sigh i am wondering... am i safe?.....safe to practice?... i wish i can point my fingers to others too... but knowing them...they have their own points to say no it is not their fault.... but think again...it is mine... maybe i am too daring and too fast... my skill is still not good.... now.... i begin not to trust others... always believe in your own site of story.... man...i have to retake the whole history again then... sigh... am i safe??... please no more morbidity or mortality for the next few weeks...

My mind couldn't stop thinking about that case. The mortality What did i do? Where was the mistake? What if? Should I do that? What else I could offer? The non stop questions and the horrible feeling. Damn. I went shopping and I walked around that small supermarket and I didn't know what i bought. I just grabbed anything i saw I might need or I might like and threw them into the basket. It was a guilty and hopeless feeling. I repeatedly say it to myself, "Damn, I'm sorry kid. Please forgive me. That's the best I could do". While I was on that mode, suddenly I heard this song airing in the supermarket. "Its too late to apologize. Too late" Apologize from One Republic. I smirked. Really? Then I worried. Really?? Heh. There. I'm going to hell anyway. Then on my way back, in my car. Still feeling depress about what had happened. Even more after listening to that song, suddenly I heard this; "you are an amazing woman" I don't know the ti

Sigh Last night. I watched FRIENDS. Yes the sitcom. There are only few reasons why i watch the sitcom. Whenever i feel bored. Or if i want to revise (yes about the details in that sitcom) Or I have a really really bad day and i need something that can make me happy. So yesterday, I was not bored. How can i be bored since i was tooooo busy in the hospital. I don't need to revise since i was not doing the FRIENDS quiz for quite some time now. Then it was for the reason number 3. It was soooo bad that involved PAEDIATRIC MORTALITY. hmmm....i guess that summarized everything isn't it. Its another 1 month from now for the mortality review. I'll be doomed. As usual, i may look cool about it. But i am depress. Especially it involves a couple who have no child and that was their only adopted child. I could still remember the loud tears of the mother. She must be very devastating. It was very unlucky for that child that day. For any ill patient who came to Hospital that day i would

random pic..this is not errica.. Past 2 days, i had a surprise encounter with someone i know and miss so much...E rica Rendey Remember her? Yes, she was a young Ibanese girl who was admitted to Kuching last time for neutropenic sepsis. A very clever girl who amazed me with her imitation of me taking her blood. Yup!! what a small world after all!!... She is here in Kapit!!!... She came with cough and flu. Not ill enough for admission. She now has hair!!!..but still the same Errica Rendey who doesn't like to be touch. Oh how I miss her big eyes. But that they, she did not put on any make up like she used too. I flipped through her cancer book. Its a book that every cancer patient has that show their progression. What have been done and will be done. Then, I was speechless. Despite her look that day, healthy look, sweet and cute, the truth is she has been suffering a lot. The condition was not that good. She has relapses. Involving the brain and the blood. Still requiring chemo. And s